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(The picture was taken from Medium.com)<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy do I keep doing this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow does this keep happening to me?\u201d<\/p>\n
You might ask yourself these questions when you feel trapped in patterns that create problems in your life and keep you from achieving your goals. Although you try to make changes and disrupt these patterns, somehow you end up in the same place, again and again.<\/p>\n
If this sounds familiar, you could be sabotaging yourself. Self-sabotage refers to behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do.
\nWhat does it look like?
\nYou can sabotage yourself in a number of ways. Some are obvious, but others are a bit harder to recognize.<\/p>\n
Blaming others when things go wrong
\nSometimes, bad things just happen without anyone being at fault. Sure, some misfortunes might be solely the fault of someone else, but that\u2019s not always the case.<\/p>\n
If you tend to find fault elsewhere whenever you face difficulties, it may be worth taking a closer look at the part you played in what happened.<\/p>\n
Say your partner has some relationship behaviors that affect you both. You decide they won\u2019t change and break up with them. You feel good about the breakup, since their unwillingness to change kept you from moving forward together. Your friends agree you did the right thing.<\/p>\n
But if you don\u2019t take time to explore how you might have contributed to some of the issues in that relationship, says\u00a0Maury Joseph, PsyD, you sabotage your chance to learn and grow from the experience.<\/p>\n
Choosing to walk away when things don\u2019t go smoothly
\nThere\u2019s nothing wrong with moving on from situations that don\u2019t meet your needs. This might be the best option sometimes. But it\u2019s usually wise to take a quick step back and ask yourself first if you really made an effort.<\/p>\n
Maybe you can\u2019t seem to stay in any job for very long. You left one job because your supervisor treated you unfairly. You were let go from a second because of overstaffing. You left your next job because of toxic coworkers, and so on.<\/p>\n
These are valid reasons, but such a pervasive pattern could have something more to it. Doubts about your own ability to succeed or hold a steady job could lead you to do things that disrupt your performance or keep you from thriving at work. Maybe you\u2019re afraid of conflict or criticism.<\/p>\n
Procrastination<\/strong> You\u2019ve prepared, done all your research, and sat down to get started, only to find you just can\u2019t begin. Your motivation has completely disappeared. So you avoid the task by cleaning out the refrigerator, organizing your junk drawer, or starting a movie marathon.<\/p>\n Procrastination\u00a0can happen for no apparent reason, but it typically has an underlying cause, such as:<\/p>\n feeling\u00a0overwhelmed\u00a0by what you need to do Maybe you\u2019re always ready to argue, even over things that don\u2019t really matter, like who chose the last restaurant you went to. Or you do things to provoke reactions, like leave a mess in the kitchen or purposely \u201cforget\u201d important dates.<\/p>\n On the flip side, you might get offended easily or take things personally, whether they\u2019re directed at you or not.<\/p>\n Or perhaps you have a hard time talking about your feelings, especially when upset. So you resort to snark and\u00a0passive aggression\u00a0instead of more effective communication methods.<\/p>\n Dating people who aren\u2019t right for you You might:<\/p>\n keep dating a similar type of person although your relationships keep ending badly Or you want kids but your partner doesn\u2019t. Everything else is working, so you stay in the relationship, secretly hoping they\u2019ll change their mind.<\/p>\n By falling into these patterns, you\u2019re preventing yourself from finding someone who\u2019s a better match long term.<\/p>\n Trouble starting your needs This can happen in:<\/p>\n family situations Putting yourself down<\/strong> \u201cI can\u2019t do anything right.\u201d What causes it? In other words, these behaviors helped you adapt to a previous situation, like a traumatic childhood or a toxic relationship, and survive the challenges you faced there. They may have soothed you or defended you. But these methods of coping can cause difficulties when your situation changes.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s a closer look at some of the big contributing factors.<\/p>\n Patterns learned in childhood<\/strong> Say you had a parent who never paid much attention to you unless they were angry.<\/p>\n \u201cYou know it\u2019s not a good thing to get people mad,\u201d Joseph says, \u201cBut they\u2019re something very compelling about it, because of this upbringing. Getting people angry was the only way to get interested, so you feel stuck in this pattern where it\u2019s tempting, attractive even, to get people mad at you.\u201d<\/p>\n This might show up, for example, in your job, where you just can\u2019t seem to show up on time. At first, your supervisor is forgiving and encouraging, but as time goes on and you still fail to be on time, your supervisor gets angry and eventually fires you.<\/p>\n Past relationship dynamics Whether you had an abusive partner or one who simply didn\u2019t care about your thoughts and feelings, you may not have felt able to speak up for yourself. You stayed quiet to defend yourself from\u00a0anger, rejection, and other negative experiences. But as a result, you didn\u2019t learn to advocate for your needs.<\/p>\n Your present situation differs from the past, but it can be difficult to break out of the same destructive patterns. Wanting to avoid failure can lead you to avoid trying. If you don\u2019t try, you can\u2019t fail, right? So your unconscious mind might present you with excuses and ways to sabotage yourself.<\/p>\n For example, imagine you\u2019re in a newer relationship that\u2019s going very well. So well, in fact, you believe it\u2019s only a matter of time before something happens to end it. \u201cThis is too good,\u201d you tell yourself. \u201cIt can\u2019t last.\u201d<\/p>\n You don\u2019t want to face the end, so you begin retreating from your partner, closing yourself off emotionally, and starting arguments. Generally speaking, you\u2019re motivated to bring about your own failure so you aren\u2019t surprised when it happens.<\/p>\n A need for control Some types of self-sabotage provide this sense of control. What you\u2019re doing may not be great for your emotional health or relationships, but it helps you stay in control when you feel\u00a0vulnerable.<\/p>\n Take the procrastination example. Maybe you\u2019re putting off that research paper because, deep down, you\u2019re worried you won\u2019t write it as well as you\u2019d hoped. You know writing it at the last minute won\u2019t help the quality, but it\u00a0will\u00a0put you in control of that outcome because you chose to write it at the last minute.<\/p>\n This can also happen in relationships. Opening up to someone emotionally can feel incredibly vulnerable. By keeping things in, you maintain what feels like the upper hand. But at the end of the day, you aren\u2019t reaping the rewards of building intimacy by sharing vulnerabilities.<\/p>\n source: healthline.com<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (The picture was taken from Medium.com) \u201cWhy do I keep doing this?\u201d \u201cHow does this keep happening to me?\u201d You might ask yourself these … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1321,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1320","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1320","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1320"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1320\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1322,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1320\/revisions\/1322"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1321"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1320"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1320"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1320"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nHave you ever found yourself stalled or stuck when faced with an important task? You\u2019re far from alone in this.<\/p>\n
\ntrouble\u00a0managing time
\ndoubting your ability or skills
\nPicking fights with friends or partners
\nYou can subtly undermine yourself (and harm your relationships) in a number of ways.<\/p>\n
\nSelf-sabotaging behaviors often appear in relationships. Dating people who don\u2019t check all your boxes is one common type of relationship self-sabotage.<\/p>\n
\ntry to make things work with a partner who has very different goals for the future
\nstay in a relationship that\u2019s going nowhere
\nMaybe you\u2019re monogamous but keep developing attractions to non-monogamous people. You give\u00a0non-monogamy\u00a0a try, more than once, but end up frustrated and hurt each time.<\/p>\n
\nIf you have a hard time speaking up for yourself, you may have a hard time getting all of your needs met.<\/p>\n
\namong friends
\nat work
\nin romantic relationships
\nin everyday interactions
\nImagine you\u2019re in line at the supermarket with a sandwich when someone with a full cart of groceries cuts in front of you. You\u2019re in a hurry to get back to work, but you can\u2019t bring yourself to say anything. You let them go ahead and end up late for a meeting that you really couldn\u2019t afford to miss.<\/p>\n
\nPeople often set much higher standards for themselves than they do for others. When you fail to meet these standards, you might give yourself some pretty harsh feedback:<\/p>\n
\n\u201cI won\u2019t make it, so why should I bother?\u201d
\n\u201cWow, I really messed up. I\u2019m terrible at this.\u201d
\nWhether you criticize yourself in front of others or have a habit of\u00a0negative self-talk, the same thing can happen: Your words may eventually be taken as truth. Believing these criticisms can promote an attitude of self-defeat and keep you from wanting to try again. Eventually, you might give up before you even begin.<\/p>\n
\nAccording to Joseph, self-sabotage happens when you do certain things that were adaptive in one context but are no longer necessary.<\/p>\n
\nThe patterns laid down in our earliest relationships often repeat in relationships throughout life, according to Joseph. \u201cWe\u2019re attached to these patterns. They mean something to us, and they\u2019re hard to give up,\u201d Joseph says.<\/p>\n
\nIf you didn\u2019t feel supported or heard when asking for what you needed in previous relationships, romantic or otherwise, you might struggle to communicate effectively in your current relationships.<\/p>\n
\nFear of failure
\nWhen you don\u2019t want to fail at your dream job, in your relationship, or even at being a good parent, you might unintentionally sabotage your own efforts to do well.<\/p>\n
\nSelf-sabotaging behaviors can also develop from your need to control a situation. When you\u2019re in control, you might feel safe, strong, and ready to face anything that comes your way.<\/p>\n