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We all have certain areas of our lives where we\u2019d like to feel more confident:<\/strong><\/p>\n Maybe you wish you were confident enough to speak up more often at work and express yourself. Feeling confident is often about what you do less of, not more of.<\/p>\n Specifically, many of us have subtle habits in our lives that chip away at our self-confidence and add to our insecurities. But, if you can learn to identify and eliminate these confidence-killing habits, you\u2019ll find that you\u2019re naturally more confident than you realize.<\/p>\n Trusting your feelings<\/strong> You want to ask that cute guy out (value), but you feel anxious and self-conscious (feelings). So you keep talking to your friends, the moment slips by, and your opportunity is gone. The trouble with this is, you can\u2019t just make yourself feel confident anymore than you can make yourself feel happy or in love.<\/p>\n Feeling confident comes from acting on your values despite feeling afraid.<\/p>\n If you habitually avoid asking people out, you\u2019re going to habitually feel anxious about it. And if you habitually avoid speaking up during meetings, you\u2019re going to habitually feel nervous about it.<\/p>\n On the other hand, if you ask someone out despite feeling anxious\u2014or speak up during a meeting despite being afraid of getting criticized\u2014you will start to feel more confident.<\/p>\n One of the reasons it\u2019s so hard to act on our values when our feelings are pulling us away with fear is because we\u2019re in the habit of trusting our feelings implicitly.<\/p>\n Our culture tends to glorify feelings and emotions (think of any and every Disney movie you\u2019ve ever seen). Unfortunately, this unqualified trust in feelings is misguided\u2026<\/p>\n Your feelings will lead you astray at least as often as they will help you.<\/p>\n It\u2019s important to listen to your emotions but never trust them. Give up the habit of trusting your feelings blindly and be prepared to ignore them and follow your values instead.<\/p>\n Once your mind sees you acting on your values despite how you feel, you will start to feel truly confident.<\/p>\n People pleasing<\/strong> I worked with a client once who turned down a major promotion at work because she was afraid it would cause too much \u201cfriction\u201d with another coworker. Never eating at your favorite restaurant because you \u201cjust go with\u201d whatever your partner suggests When you habitually prioritize other people\u2019s wants and needs before your own, you train your mind to devalue itself.<\/p>\n Think about it: if you never stand up for yourself, of course, you\u2019re not going to feel very confident!<\/p>\n Luckily, becoming more confident is often just a matter of being\u00a0a little bit more assertive\u00a0with people about what you want (or don\u2019t want).<\/p>\n One of the simplest ways to boost your confidence is to practice asking for what you want and saying no to things you don\u2019t want. But the key\u2014that most people miss\u2014is to start VERY small. Then once this becomes more comfortable, gradually work your way up to bigger things.<\/p>\n It\u2019s good to think of others. But if it always comes at the expense of yourself, no one will end up happy in the long-run.<\/p>\n Worrying about the future<\/strong> From anticipating your opponent\u2019s next move in a game of chess to landing a person on the moon, it clearly benefits us to be able to think about the future. It\u2019s especially useful to anticipate problems so we can address them early before they happen. Just imagine how many hypothetical problems all those engineers as NASA had to imagine before putting men in a spaceship to the moon!<\/p>\n But like so many of our most impressive tools and abilities, thinking about problems in the future can be unhealthy if done for the wrong reasons. This is especially the case with our tendency to worry.<\/p>\n Worry is unproductive problem-solving.<\/strong><\/p>\n If you spend time thinking about something that either A) Isn\u2019t really a problem, or B) Isn\u2019t a problem you can do anything about, you\u2019re likely to end up worrying. This means you\u2019re getting all of the side effects of negative thinking like stress, anxiety, or panic with none of the benefits of genuine problem-solving.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s a specific example:<\/strong><\/p>\n Your spouse goes on a trip to visit a relative. After seeing a news report of a plane crash in another country, you start worrying about your spouse\u2019s plane crashing. Here\u2019s the thing about worry:<\/p>\n Worry gives you the illusion of certainty. But in the end, all it does is fragilize you.<\/p>\n Even though you can\u2019t actually solve some hypothetical problem (your spouse getting in a crash, for example) thinking about it gives you the illusion of control. It makes you feel like you\u2019re at least doing something.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s all a mirage. And in the end, all that worry and anxiety just chip away at your confidence.<\/p>\n If you want to feel more genuinely confident, you must accept the fundamental uncertainty of life. There are simply some things that we can\u2019t control. There are some very bad outcomes that we simply can\u2019t prevent. And often, no amount of thinking and worrying will change that.<\/p>\n Better to face up to your fear of uncertainty with confidence than live in denial about it.<\/p>\n Ruminating on the past<\/strong> Of course,\u00a0reflecting\u00a0on the past\u2014including mistakes and negative events\u2014can be a helpful activity. When you intentionally make time to consider the past in a balanced and objective way, it can often be a source of great relief and learning.<\/p>\n But it\u2019s all too easy to end up dwelling on the past and thinking about it in an unhelpful way\u2014this is called\u00a0rumination:<\/p>\n If you\u2019ve ever found yourself replaying the same mistake over and over in your mind without learning anything new, that\u2019s rumination. When you invest all your attention into yesterday, you have nothing left to invest into today.<\/p>\n This leads to a vicious self-fulfilling prophecy: Because you spent all your attention and energy ruminating on the past, you can\u2019t put as much into today. This leads to poor performance which then becomes evidence to support your already low self-confidence.<\/p>\n To stop wasting attention and energy with\u00a0rumination, you must learn to accept and make peace with past mistakes and loss. Nobody likes feeling helpless to fix mistakes, but pretending you can change them by ruminating on them obsessively isn\u2019t doing your confidence any favors.<\/p>\n Accept that you are helpless to change the past and you will have an easier time letting go of your tendency to dwell on the past. And when you do that, your confidence is sure to rise.<\/p>\n All You Need to Know Stop trusting your feelings<\/p>\n Stop people-pleasing<\/p>\n Stop worrying about the future<\/p>\n Stop ruminating on the past<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The picture was taken from Medium.com We all have certain areas of our lives where we\u2019d like to feel more confident: Maybe you wish you … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1339,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1338","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1338","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1338"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1338\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1340,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1338\/revisions\/1340"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1339"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1338"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1338"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1338"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nMaybe you want to be more confident when it comes to dating and romance.
\nOr maybe you wish you had enough confidence to finally start that new business you\u2019ve been dreaming of.
\nAnd while everybody knows what it feels like to lack confidence, here\u2019s the thing most people don\u2019t realize about how confidence works:<\/p>\n
\nThe core dilemma when it comes to confidence is that your feelings override your values:<\/p>\n
\nA great idea occurs to you during your weekly meeting and you want to share it with your boss (value), but you immediately start worrying that she\u2019ll think it\u2019s silly or dumb (feeling). So you keep quiet and don\u2019t mention it.
\nOne way to look at these examples is that if you had felt more confident, you would have been able to act on your values.<\/p>\n
\nMost people don\u2019t like conflict. In fact, most people are so afraid of conflict that they\u2019ll go to some pretty extreme lengths to avoid it\u2026<\/p>\n
\nAnother client basically gave up spending time with his friends because his wife would get jealous and judgmental almost anytime he spent time away from her.
\nBut sometimes fear of conflict leads to much smaller though not necessarily less significant sacrifices:<\/p>\n
\nAlways saying yes and taking on too many tasks because you don\u2019t want to say \u201cno\u201d and disappoint people
\nNever watching your favorite type of movie because your roommate or friend hates that type of show
\nWhatever the details of your specific situation, here\u2019s what you need to know about being a people pleaser:<\/p>\n
\nOur capacity to think about the future and imagine hypothetical scenarios is a wonderful skill and tool.<\/p>\n
\nEven though you know that thinking about your spouse getting in a plane crash isn\u2019t helping anyone, you feel compelled to continue thinking about it\u2014playing scenarios over and over again in your head and worrying. And as a result, you feel increasingly anxious and tense.
\nSo why do we do it? Why do we worry if it only makes us feel bad without accomplishing anything good?<\/p>\n
\nJust like worry gives the illusion of control over the future, rumination gives us a sense of false control over mistakes and losses in the past. Unfortunately, it can also lead to\u00a0self-criticism,\u00a0depression, and low\u00a0self-esteem.<\/p>\n
\nIf you\u2019ve ever found yourself obsessively imagining alternative histories and how you could have averted some tragedy or loss, that\u2019s rumination.
\nIf you\u2019ve ever found yourself missing out on good things in the present because you\u2019re stuck dwelling on negatives in the past, that\u2019s rumination.
\nOne of the many problems with getting into the habit of ruminating on past mistakes is that it erodes your confidence in the future.<\/p>\n
\nTo feel more confident, focus on identifying and undoing the habits in your life that are depleting your confidence:<\/p>\n