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When I was younger and hitting the dating scene hard, I had no clue about gaslighting. However, I had experiences where I would see something happening in a relationship, and my boyfriend (or a guy I was seeing) would tell me that I was crazy and it wasn\u2019t happening. Yet, I would find out that I was right, leaving me to wonder why I second-guessed myself and why I was so quick to believe someone else.<\/p>\n
Years later, I learned that gaslighting is a way of manipulating someone into second-guessing what they know to be true. This also happens in families, friendships, workplaces, across races, and genders. Actually, gaslighting is something BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ have been fighting against for far too long.<\/p>\n
After learning about gaslighting, I thought, wait, I know this! I\u2019ve experienced this a lot.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re not familiar with the term, I can\u2019t stress this enough: Go look it up.<\/p>\n
Read books, listen to podcasts, or follow the hashtags on Instagram. Learning about this tactic opened my eyes to the number of times this happened to me. It has also opened my eyes to when it\u2019s happening in real-time. What\u2019s crazier, I realized I\u2019d done it to others in the past.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019ve ever been subject to narcissistic abuse, you might be more prone to falling for this kind of thing as it undermines your confidence and trust in yourself. It\u2019s reasonable to think it\u2019s going to take some time to break those patterns. Overall, I\u2019ve had a rocky dating history and have continuously picked partners who were detrimental to my emotional and physical health. I grew up with abuse and experienced it in my early sexual relationships. Years of therapy and books have been helping, and I\u2019ve realized I need my time and, thus, need a break from dating.<\/p>\n
Handsome Guy<\/strong> I could see where this was going. Usually, I\u2019d be into it, but things are different for me right now; I\u2019m in a time of transition. I\u2019m back in school and am super focused on myself.<\/p>\n I knew it couldn\u2019t work right now with this guy and, frankly, didn\u2019t want us to waste our time chatting all day every day and sending selfies. We are three hours away from each other, and I didn\u2019t want to nurture this, whatever it might be. Don\u2019t get me wrong, if I lived closer and weren\u2019t in school, I\u2019d probably be down, self-growth be damned.<\/p>\n Ultimately, I decided to be upfront, saying that I liked talking to him but am focused on school. I reiterated that we could meet up for a drink sometime when I\u2019m in his area.<\/p>\n He. Clapped. Back.<\/strong><\/p>\n He said he wasn\u2019t trying to imply that he was interested and didn\u2019t know where I got that idea. He said he wasn\u2019t trying to be mean and hoped I had a good rest of the weekend and semester.<\/p>\n The Awareness<\/strong> However, more importantly, without going back through the texts and checking the evidence first, I immediately knew he was gaslighting me. At that moment, I trusted myself. He was trying to distort what had transpired over the past week. Although this pivot was annoying, I understood why he took that route. It\u2019s never fun to have someone end things before they can really get started. Still, what a tactic!<\/p>\n I don\u2019t think he\u2019s a bad guy, but I think sometimes people are used to certain defense mechanisms and don\u2019t see how they\u2019re harmful.\u00a0I get it, it\u2019s hard to be vulnerable. However, it wasn\u2019t going to work on me, not this time. I\u2019ve seen and learned too much.<\/p>\n For those who have experienced a significant amount of gaslighting, little situations like this are a big win towards breaking toxic patterns.<\/p>\n Of course, later on, I went through our texts and took screenshots for peace of mind. Hey, I\u2019m not perfect, but at least I have the receipts!<\/p>\n Still, I\u2019m trying to do the work to get out of nasty patterns, and being aware is one of those things I\u2019ve learned. We\u2019re all just trying to be better, live better, and feel safe, right?<\/p>\n How many of us have dealt with this in dating or other relationships, maybe with family? How often have we seen people doing things in plain sight only to have them challenge our realities with no remorse?<\/p>\n Of course, someone could argue that perhaps he wasn\u2019t into me and was just chatting. Yea, sure, maybe the guy didn\u2019t want to marry me, but I\u2019ve been dating for a long time, and I know we were at least heading towards a few weeks of chatting and probably sexting, at least!<\/p>\n Old me would\u2019ve believed this guy and questioned myself, thinking maybe I misunderstood something. I would\u2019ve felt embarrassed, and it would\u2019ve chipped away at my confidence, further perpetuating the cycle.<\/p>\n However, it\u2019s empowering to recognize this behavior. The truth is, I\u2019m still susceptible to it, but I can\u2019t stop thinking about how I instantly realized what was happening. I liked how the awareness made me feel about myself \u2014 like my eyes are finally open like I could keep some dignity and power in my understanding of what went down.<\/p>\n Celebrating the little wins while doing the hard work on yourself is a step in the right direction!<\/p>\n medium.com<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When I was younger and hitting the dating scene hard, I had no clue about gaslighting. 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\nLast week, an acquaintance of mine started DM-ing me on Instagram. We used to run in the same social circles but never talked much. However, I always noticed him. He is good-looking, seems laid-back, and is stylish. We started chatting, making \u201cshould-vitations\u201d to meet up. Surprisingly, the conversations continued all day, every day, for about a week. We began to learn more about each other, and he told me multiple times that he used to notice me, thought I was cute, and liked when I was around. He also sent me a selfie.<\/p>\n
\nWhat\u2026What?! How did he turn this around? I was a little stung by this; we had been talking every day and getting to know each other. He was flirting and implying he would visit, right?<\/p>\n