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Former tennis champion-turned-commentator Jelena Dokic this week revealed she had\u00a0sought to reconcile\u00a0with her abusive father as an adult. He never, however, apologised or showed remorse for the physical and psychological abuse he meted out to her throughout her childhood.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn fact,\u201d she told the ABC, \u201che said he would do it all again.\u201d<\/p>\n
As a psychologist, I found his response shocking but sadly unsurprising. Many parents and caregivers who abused their children will never apologise for the harm they have done; many won\u2019t acknowledge or admit the abuse happened at all.<\/p>\n
For the\u00a0millions\u00a0of victim-survivors around the world, this can be incredibly confusing and confronting. It can be hard to stop seeking that acknowledgement and apology from your abuser.<\/p>\n
So, why does this happen, and what can victim-survivors do?<\/p>\n
Shame and silence<\/strong> It\u2019s natural to want an apology; as history shows, apologies matter.<\/p>\n But apologies are deeply tied to shame for both survivors and their perpetrators. A genuine apology requires a shared understanding of what happened and why it was unjust.<\/p>\n Many perpetrators, however, lack self-confidence, impulse control and\u00a0empathy. This often manifests as a string of failed peer and marital relationships marred by abuse, dysfunction and distress.<\/p>\n They may also genuinely believe corporal punishment is an effective method of disciplining a child. A vast body of research shows it\u00a0causes many more problems than it solves.<\/p>\n Sadly,\u00a0many parents who abuse were also abused\u00a0as children themselves. They may believe the abuse they dished out was \u201cnothing\u201d compared to what they received, which (in their mind) justifies their own behaviour.<\/p>\n Things can get even more complex when the parent is\u00a0abusing drugs or alcohol; their child may need to take on a lot of responsibility at a young age. This is sometimes referred to as \u201cparentification\u201d (when the child has to parent their parent).<\/p>\n An apology shifts the weight of blame from victim to perpetrator. But what can you do if your abuser refuses to accept blame?<\/p>\n Don\u2019t expect the person to heal you Ask yourself whether it\u2019s actually helping you to wait for an apology from someone with no capacity, intention or ability to provide the apology you deserve.<\/p>\n Think carefully about whether you still \u2013 consciously or unconsciously \u2013 seek your abuser\u2019s approval, and where else in life you can find that approval or acceptance.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t expect the person who hurt you to heal you. You are able to pull yourself out.<\/strong><\/p>\n Find people who believe you and share your story. Talk to a trusted family member or friend, or therapist.\u00a0Recovery from maltreatment\u00a0can be enhanced with therapy, including interventions involving family and child-focused interventions and parent training.<\/p>\n Ending intergenerational abuse isn\u2019t easy, but it\u2019s possible<\/strong> Talk therapy with a psychologist or other mental health provider is particularly effective for parents who have experienced\u00a0maltreatment themselves, especially when unresolved personal trauma may hinder acknowledgement and an apology.<\/p>\n But keep your expectations realistic.<\/p>\n If your abusive parent acknowledges your trauma, then they have to admit they failed you in some crucial way. Many are incapable of admitting this truth to themselves \u2013 but others, with the right support, might be able to take that step.<\/p>\n If your abuser can\u2019t or won\u2019t, do not let their internalised shame keep you in darkness.<\/p>\n Believe in your own intrinsic goodness and work to rebuild connections with yourself and others.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n (https:\/\/theconversation.com\/)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Former tennis champion-turned-commentator Jelena Dokic this week revealed she had\u00a0sought to reconcile\u00a0with her abusive father as an adult. He never, however, apologised or showed remorse … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2554,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2552","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-psychology"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2552","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2552"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2552\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2555,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2552\/revisions\/2555"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2554"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2552"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2552"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/tipsforahealthylife.eu\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2552"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nVictims of child abuse often find denial by perpetrator or family protectors who dismiss and shift blame deeply traumatising. Feelings of powerlessness, fear and self-blame often follow.<\/p>\n
\nStart by understanding that what happened to you wasn\u2019t your fault.<\/p>\n
\nResearch has shown abusive\u00a0parents can process their own past traumas\u00a0and vulnerabilities.<\/p>\n