To the average person, a narcissist is an individual that is ruled by the ego and totally in love with their reflection in the mirror. Most believe this because a narcissist often presents themself as overly-confident, egotistical, and grandiose. The truth of the matter, however, is that narcissists have a very fragile ego and a fragmented sense of self.
It is an absolute myth that narcissists look for emotionally dependent partners who lack confidence and self-esteem. Narcissists are very drawn to confident people.
Falling for narcissists and sociopaths has nothing to do with intelligence, education, or independence. I have coached dozens of clients of various backgrounds, many of whom are highly educated, who have fallen prey to such predators.
It’s extremely hard for strong people to find romantic partners they can connect with instantly and when they do, they tend to believe its fate.
On the surface, it appears that the narcissist has an overabundance of self-assurance. In truth, it is just a protective wall designed to safeguard the narcissist and to keep them from acknowledging their own insecurity and lack of self-confidence.
You may be scratching your head. Why would a narcissist be attracted to a strong person when at their core they fear they are less than?
The Narcissist Feels Entitled to Your Life.
When a narcissist sees you are a strong and confident person who has a fulfilling and vibrant life, they are instantly attracted to you. Whatever it is you have, be it a robust group of friends, a successful career, a beautiful home, financial independence, the narcissist will lust after it. They covet what you have and desire to make it their own.
Most narcissists have struggled with a consistent parental figure during childhood and adulthood. When they see that you take charge and manage life effectively they envy that quality and in turn desire to have that confidence for themselves.
Narcissists believe that if they can make you their conquest and start a relationship with you, they are proving to themselves that they are the same as
you. Being able to get your attention and charm you, provides them with a sense of being on your level.
They feel entitled to be in a relationship with someone successful and independent.
My abuser, a homeless crack addict, told me on more than one occasion that he “deserved and needed to be with a woman that had a successful career and had ambition, drive, and standards’
He proudly declared all of this as a way to put me down and gaslight me, despite the truth that he himself was none of those things and was NEVER my equal.
He had absolutely no moral fiber and zero financial resources, yet he felt deserving and wanted everything I had to become his.
The Narcissist Believes They Are Superior
Narcissists truly believe they are high-caliber people in possession of noteworthy talents that far surpass that of regular humans. Holding onto that conviction is
how they rationalize their game. When they target an insecure person it doesn’t give them the same rush of superiority that conquering a strong and confident person does.
The narcissist will act exactly how you want them to act. They con you into believing this relationship is “meant to be.”
Once the narcissist gains your trust during the intense love-bombing, their behavior changes and they begin to tear you down to continue to feel superior.
They know you’re in it for real now, and you won’t give up on the relationship easily. They know you will fight for them because you have fallen hard for their false promises and future faking. They made you the center of their attention and this is very intoxicating.
Don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s very easy to fall under their spell because they mirror everything you want to see in a partner back at you.
They truly believe they are above you in all things. They revel with delight over the way they have “captured” you and fooled you. Their true self will stay hidden
until a later time in the relationship when you are too involved, and you can’t get out.
The Narcissist is Pathalogically Jealous
My abuser had nothing to show for his life. He was homeless, with only a storage unit filled with a conglomeration of useless household items and worn-out furniture. He had never been able to stay gainfully employed the majority of his adult life.
Crack cocaine and prostitutes were his main goals after being kicked out of the military for failing too many drug tests. He refused to get a job and sat home all day smoking weed and playing video games. Yet, he hounded me our entire relationship about not having standards and work ethics.
He was the one that could not manage his life and he was so envious of mine he wanted to take it and make it his own. He only wanted me around to give him the appearance that he was a legitimate upstanding person.
Beneath all of his delusions and the false sense of grandiosity, he was a jealous rotten child. He hated me for being confident and self-assured. He could not stand the way I could rise above negative situations in life and keep going. He was bitterly resentful over the fact that I had my own home and property in the country.
I was everything he was not and could never be.
Narcissists do not love us or admire us. They hate us and want to steal our life. They are empty and soulless and this is why they want a strong confident person. They want to hide behind our accomplishments and act as if everything we have belongs to them.
They simulate a false reality where all your qualities and traits you’ve worked so hard to cultivate aren’t yours. They amplify your negative traits and in turn, all of your money, your home, and even your friends belong to them now.
They try to destroy you because they want to be you.
Like a child, a narcissist is drawn to shiny objects. They are attracted to you because you shine and are exceptional in some way. They come in pretending to be a dream come true when really they are a nightmare thundering in to take all that you have.
You were never weak. You just wanted to be loved and understood and there is no shame in that. The shame belongs to the narcissist.
(medium.com)