Some people throw the word “narcissist” around fairly often. It’s probably a term you’ve heard before. There are even types of narcissists.
But when people have a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), they experience symptoms such as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a need for constant admiration, a belief that they’re superior, and a willingness to take advantage of others to get what they want.
And when they feel torn down from that pedestal — after losing a job, not feeling admired by others, et cetera — they can experience narcissistic collapse.
Narcissistic collapse isn’t a sign of NPD or a condition, but an experience of insecurity that can lead to rage and feelings of depression. Here’s what to look for as the person’s partner.
The Signs of Narcissistic Collapse
Here are some signs from a Choosing Therapy article. Keep in mind your partner may respond in some of these ways, but not the others. Or, they may respond to pain in one of these ways, but not because they have NPD.
1. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is when someone manipulates your thinking and memory, making you question your reality and beliefs.
For example, your partner may say something cruel to you, then later claim they never said it. Or, they might call you “crazy” or “too sensitive.”
When people with NPD are experiencing narcissistic collapse, they may gaslight you into thinking you caused their pain or that they’re mistreating you because they love you.
2. Compulsive behaviors
People with NPD may also cope with the insecurity they feel by engaging in unhealthy behaviors or vices, such as alcohol, drugs, or gambling.
This can be especially dangerous if they become violent and aggressive when drunk or high.
3. Angry outbursts
Your partner might act out angrily. They might smash things, yell at you, be cruel, seek revenge, or throw objects.
This is a part of narcissistic rage, which can come from the collapse. “It can present on a large spectrum from becoming withdrawn all the way up to extreme violence and verbal abuse,” said psychiatrist Dr. Alexander Lapa for a PsychCentral article. Your partner may appear out of control, which could leave you feeling unsafe.
However, not every person with NPD has an angry outburst, according to that same article. Others may turn inward and experience signs of depression.
4. Signs of depression
Some people with NPD become depressed when they feel like a failure. They may isolate themselves from you, mention suicide or self-harm, or seem overwhelmingly sad or apathetic toward life. These signs are of course more dangerous for your partner than for you.
How to Handle It
So if you notice these signs, how should you respond to ensure you feel OK? Here are some options:
Set boundaries
Remember, it isn’t your job to “cure” your partner of their feelings. Set boundaries around what is and isn’t OK — like how they talk to you and treat you — and give yourself space when you need it.
Using an “I statement” is a good idea, especially once your partner has calmed down. “I statements” look like this: “I feel ___ when ___ because ___. Can you ___ instead?”
Practice self-care
Seeing your partner act in those ways will probably upset you, in which it’s important to take care of yourself. Do you need to spend some time in another room? Call a friend? Do something that relaxes you, like yoga, mindfulness, or a
warm bath? Those are a few ideas, but it’s really up to you.
Encourage professional help
Your role as the partner is going to differ from a therapist’s role, for example. Just like you’ll have unique insights, they’ll have their own expertise.
When the situation has calmed down and you feel safe, you can encourage your partner to see a therapist who can help them handle those tough emotions.
It’s not your job to force them to go, and pushing them too hard could backfire. But, some steps they might want your help with include finding therapists in the area and driving them to the session.
Takeaways
When people with NPD go through something that suddenly makes them feel insecure and inferior, they may act out externally or emotionally with angry outbursts or depression symptoms. This is called narcissistic collapse.
If your partner is experiencing this, it’s OK (and important!) to set boundaries, leave if you need to and feel safe doing so, practice self-care, and encourage professional help for them (and possibly yourself, too).