We’ve all been at the crossroads. You’re casually seeing a guy that you’re really into, but when you finally broach the “what are we?” talk, you’re met with a silence so awkward that you’d rather be caught accidentally liking a 40-week-old photo of his ex on Instagram.
When you pop the question, he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Avoiding your pleading stare, he mutters, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now… I really like you though. I just have a lot going on.”
Ouff. Those loaded words (although not entirely unexpected) feel like a punch to the kidneys. You silently wish there was a rewind button so you could avoid this embarrassing display of emotions altogether.
“Okay,” you say, trying to maintain an air of unbotheredness.
You really like this guy and you don’t want to be just casual. You decide that the best course of action is to give him space. Let him sort out his emotions. Give him the chance to miss you.
You don’t want to seem too desperate (you’re a cool girl, after all.) So instead you say, “Take your time. Text me when you’ve figured your stuff out.”
“Take your time. Text me when you’ve figured your stuff out.”
And you leave with a slight glimmer of hope that things might actually work out.
They will not.
You’ll cling to the fact that he said he has ‘feelings’ for you with all your might. You’ll mope around secretly hoping every *ping* is his name lighting up your screen. And you’ll get more and more neurotic each day that he doesn’t come springing back like an elastic band. (Or worse, you let him string you along for months until he eventually meets someone that he is ready to get serious with.)
You won’t realize until much later, but your fleeting words have forever condemned you to being just an option.
What’s wrong with telling a guy you’ll wait for him?
Most of us can relate to this scenario. And, no, there’s nothing objectively wrong with that response, but just know that it automatically disqualifies you from ever actually having a real shot with him.
See, when you respond with “reach out when you’re ready,” you’re effectively giving him the green light to go ahead and do nothing. Whether explicitly stated or not, this statement (or something along these lines) implies that you’ll just be there waiting indefinitely. He likes this because it’s kind of like saying that you’re willing to be an option — and men like options (hell, women do too.)
Even if you didn’t intend it to come off that way, it does.
A far better response is to stick to your guns and say, “Look, I think you’re great but I’m actually looking for something more serious so I think it’s best to call it here. I had a ton of fun with you, but I’m looking for someone who’s on the same timeline as me.”
This is a much more powerful response. You’re still being incredibly warm and complimentary, but you’re also being firm in your resolve and letting him know that you put yourself first.
Then you have to walk away knowing that you might never hear from him again. You’ll be okay though because you wanted different things and staying in that situationship was never going to fulfill you.
And look, he might come around and say, “I’ve changed my mind, I do want to date you after all.” But even if he doesn’t, at least you’ll be a thousand times better off you than if you let him keep you on the hook.
Stand in your power. You are the main character in your own story — not him.
What to do if you’ve already said you’d wait
If you’ve already messed up and told him you’d wait for him, don’t worry, I got you.
Here’s exactly what you’re going to do.
You have two options:
Option 1: if you guys are still texting regularly and you want some ‘closure,’ next time he initiates a conversation say, “Hey, to be completely honest, I don’t really feel like waiting around to see where this goes. It was fun getting to know you and you’re a great guy, but I’ve decided to see other people. Wish you the best!” (or something to that effect.)
Just keep it amicable and wish him luck in his future endeavors.
Then, proceed to option 2.
Option 2:
If you haven’t heard from him in a while, I wouldn’t even bother giving him a heads up. It’s just going to seem like you are trying to remind him of your existence. Instead, start living by your word. If you’re looking for a relationship, get back on the dating apps, and start actively going on dates. Text a single friend and ask if she wants to go out for drinks at a new spot. Live it up.
If you aren’t necessarily looking for a relationship, start filling your time with activities that you find fulfilling. Make a personal development list. Brain dump 100+ things that you want to work on and then every time you start thinking about him, go to your list and pick something to focus on.
It could be as simple as doing a 15-minute abs circuit or as time-consuming as starting a blog or learning a new skill.
I promise you’ll move on in ¼ the time and you’ll better yourself in the process (not that you aren’t great already!)
Win-win.
Final thoughts
Getting over someone sucks, but it gets easier the minute you start being honest with yourself about what you’re looking for. There’s no point pretending to be a ‘chill girl who’s down for FWB if you secretly want to marry him because the lack of reciprocation is just going to make you miserable.
Decide what you want (your gut will usually give you a hint) and if they don’t match your energy then walk away.