After the discard, you feel so helpless. Maybe you saw it coming. Maybe you didn’t.
There’s a part of you that feels relief. But the trauma-bonded part of you wants the narcissist back. It just isn’t ready to let go.
You’re paralyzed with indecision.
Do I beg them to come back?
Do I act indifferent in the hopes that they want me back?
Do I reach out and try to work on the relationship?
Do I act like I’ve moved on to make them jealous?
If you’re in a complicated situation, say married with kids, it’s even harder.
Do I try to hold my family together?
What if I can’t afford to support the household on my own?
Wouldn’t it be better for the kids to grow up in an intact family?
Isn’t it best for the kids if I can buffer for them, and de-escalate the narcissist?
Your mind can go back and forth on this all day. Your body and spirit have the wisdom you need, but you stopped listening to them a long time ago.
If only you could know what the narcissist is thinking.
Does the narcissist expect to hear from you? Yes.
Do they hope to hear from you? No.
Why?
Listen, the narcissist has been through this before — either with you or with someone else. They know the drill.
They discard you.
You beg them to come back
You act desperate, weak, and ashamed
You do anything to get them back
You set aside all boundaries
You offer unlimited concessions
You apologize when they are at fault
Their narcissistic supply comes from devaluing you and you have volunteered to do all the heavy lifting. You are devaluing yourself for their benefit and to your detriment.
It’s like handing them narcissistic supply on a silver platter.
You’ve done it before. Others have done it before. Of course, the narcissist expects it. The narcissist feels entitled to it.
Is the narcissist hoping to hear from you?
Certainly not.
The narcissist hasn’t discarded you without having another source of supply ready to take your place. That person has been love-bombed, tested, groomed, and is currently filling their need for narcissistic supply.
Heck, the narcissist will triangulate the two of you for bonus supply from both of you.
Those things you’re worried about…
What’s best for the kids?
How to financially weather this change?
How to hide your struggles from your family and friends in case they come back?
How to handle your hurt and betrayal?
The narcissist isn’t thinking about any of those things — not for one second. The narcissist is not thinking about you and what you need. They are fulfilling their own needs; needs they believe you can no longer provide.
The harsh reality is, to the narcissist, you were an object, not a person.
You’ve been replaced with another object.
And when that one becomes boring, there will be another object after that.
Whether they hear from you is irrelevant.
It was never about you.