By the time I (Lisa) was six, despite being a very talkative and sociable child, I found myself falling further and further behind at school. Being asked to read out loud made me anxious and I was self-conscious about my poor penmanship and spelling. Without the words or understanding to express these feelings, I grew to dread school.
I soon developed tactics to distract from my difficulties such as peeking over classmates’ shoulders to copy their quiz answers. Once I even resorted to unscrewing a large table in the classroom, causing it to collapse dramatically. Eventually, my teacher realised that I was not learning to read and that I should be evaluated. After extensive testing, I received a diagnosis of dyslexia – a neurodevelopmental disorder that can affect reading fluency and comprehension as well as spelling, writing and mathematics.
Despite the huge contributions that countless dyslexic learners have made to society, and the fact that many tend to have average or above-average intelligence, back then no one had any idea that approximately 20 per cent of the population is dyslexic, nor did teachers know how to help different learners in school.
Today, amid growing awareness of dyslexia, challenges still remain in both detection and support, meaning that dyslexic children can often struggle to keep pace in traditional classrooms. Now that I’m a psychologist specialising in working with dyslexic children, I often hear them express feelings of shame, self-consciousness and inferiority similar to my childhood experience – worries that they must be not as intelligent as their more ‘standard learner’ classmates. Research consistently shows that children with dyslexia are at higher risk of low self-esteem and anxiety – not because of the reading difficulty itself, but because of how it makes them feel about themselves.
Alongside the practical challenges of reading, these are the less visible burdens that can quietly undermine dyslexic children and prevent them from realising their full potential, even into adulthood.
If you are the parent or caregiver of a dyslexic child, this Guide will provide you with straightforward strategies you can implement at home to anticipate and protect your child’s delicate sense of self-worth as a different learner. The advice is drawn from both personal and professional experience and is intended to give your child a head start, helping them avoid some predictable emotional hurdles while simultaneously building their confidence, both inside and outside the classroom.
Share stories of successful people with dyslexia
Once your child receives a diagnosis of dyslexia, they’ll begin to understand why they have been struggling, and that, while they are intelligent and capable, their brain processes information differently and they may therefore require more time to do their work than many of their classmates. Learning that one in five children share their diagnosis can help them feel less alone.
It can be challenging for them to understand this paradox, but you could let them know about the many famous and accomplished dyslexics who’ve worked to become successful in a huge variety of fields. Exploring websites like Yale’s list of dyslexia success stories or the famous dyslexics list compiled by the Helen Arkell Dyslexia Charity is a great way to help your child see that with hard work and dedication they can realise their own dreams.
Be your child’s champion
Your child will likely need your steady, reassuring voice to counter the negative messages, subtle or not so subtle, that they may absorb at school from peers or even teachers. Even a giggle or a whisper from a classmate can sometimes cut deeply.
I recall one mother who overheard her child calling herself ‘lazy’ as she was doing her homework one night. When she asked her where she had picked up that message, her daughter told her that her teacher had called her lazy because she wasn’t doing well on her spelling tests. Fortunately, this became an opportunity for the mother to correct the idea the child had unwittingly internalised by reminding her she was not at all ‘lazy’, and to raise the possibility that the teacher didn’t understand the child’s learning difference.
You can similarly help your child by continually affirming their intelligence and capability, highlighting their strengths, and encouraging them to build upon them. Demonstrating your strong belief in your child is the pillar that they may well need to lean upon for years. You might also need to model patience for them and help them build compassion and tolerance toward themselves when they’re struggling.
As part of being their champion, I find enormous value in parents preparing and delivering a compassionate and inspirational but also realistic ‘mantra’ for their child early on. Repeated often over time, the mantra is meant to be internalised deeply.
When they’re younger, your mantra may just underscore their strengths and recognise their efforts. For example:
Just like you are such a great [fill in the blank as appropriate for your child], you may need to work harder at reading than your classmates – but it won’t always be this difficult. You don’t realise it, but pushing through these challenges is helping you build resilience. The trick is to be patient with yourself – which is not easy for anyone – but it will get easier over time.
Later on in school, you might want to craft a more elaborate message and reference your child’s specific future aspirations. Here’s one I like for middle-schoolers and older:
The reality is, school can be rough, and these are the hard years. But it won’t always be this way. It’s not easy being judged and graded on things that you’re struggling with each day. Success will continue to build over time with hard work, so remember that, for a dyslexic, it’s all about the long game. When you get older, whether in college or at a job, the tasks you perform will be more suited to your strengths and the things that you enjoy. For now, remember that you are building valuable grit that will serve you well in life.
Create an atmosphere of emotional safety (and provide boundaries)
Feeling isolated is one of the hardest parts of school for a dyslexic learner. That’s why creating a safe environment at home for them to express themselves is foundational. Let your child know you understand what they’re going through. Share your own challenges to help them feel less judged and vulnerable. Take time to listen without criticising – this will show you care even if you can’t resolve every issue and it can set up an opportunity to resolve problems together.
Don’t be surprised if your child sometimes needs to scream, cry or take time to vent their anger and frustration. You might find it difficult to allow them the space to move through those strong feelings and then to lick their wounds. But if you can show compassion for what they are going through without being critical, you’ll see that they can demonstrate an eagerness to get back up after having had time to grieve and heal.
This isn’t the same as letting unacceptable behaviour go. It may feel like an act of kindness, but over time, it could be corrosive to your child’s self-esteem. That’s why it is also important to set consistent behavioural boundaries, allowing your child to settle down and regroup if they are getting overly frustrated. Offer them to take a break, get a hug or switch to another activity before they revisit their homework, for example. By nurturing them during these episodes, you are demonstrating that you believe in them enough to hold them to a standard, while showing compassion for what they are going through.
Don’t forget that their outbursts can also serve as opportunities to encourage an open conversation about what is driving their moods and behaviours. Providing the space to identify and discuss their feelings, when they seem receptive to sharing (be prepared that this is rarely at a convenient time), will lay the groundwork for emotional growth and maturity.
Use humour
One of my favourite ways to help my children retain perspective amid life’s challenges is with humour. My own parents used it often to help steer me out of ‘pity parties’ after long nights of studying. If delivered gently and within the safety of the family, humour can uniquely help relax our potential feelings of shame and the seriousness that any of us can feel around our perceived weaknesses.
Similar to how sharing one’s own challenges and failures sets the tone for others in the family to share their vulnerabilities, a supportive environment can make it OK to occasionally laugh at one’s shortcomings and diminish the importance of being perfect at everything.
One dyslexic mother I know gets lost so often that her family now habitually leaves well ahead of time whenever they’re going somewhere new. Her ability to laugh at herself about it has helped her dyslexic son lighten up about his own challenges – but she is still careful to tread lightly and ward off excessive teasing from siblings or others.
Practise gratitude and highlight the value of helping others
Your child may need help learning to avoid constant self-comparisons to their more standard learner classmates, for instance if they often need more time in class. Getting disappointing grades after a big work effort can require active practices, such as gratitude exercises, to keep them focused on the long game of adapting to a learning difference. Recognising how fortunate we are – such as having a warm bed to sleep in and that we have our loved ones around us, especially amid difficult periods – can help put challenges into greater perspective.
I do this frequently in my own family over dinner, asking everybody to discuss what they’re grateful for today and/or looking forward to the next day. It helps instil the habit of taking notice of the many positive things we experience and take for granted. There are no right or wrong answers, but I believe it helps to adjust perspective, however slightly – even if just for a few minutes.
I also recommend the practice of asking children who they have helped each week, because I believe it can make anyone feel good, while underscoring, particularly for a dyslexic child, how truly capable they are. A favourite example is when a teacher asked one of my dyslexic clients to tutor a younger student. My client was so thrilled to have some expertise to share and jumped at the chance to help. His willingness to be of service boosted his own self-esteem tremendously and led to a big improvement in his enjoyment of school.
Encourage your child’s interests
Aim to indulge your child in anything that piques their curiosity and look for opportunities for them to build upon or express their skill sets, such as their artistic or athletic talents. For a dyslexic learner, discovering hidden talents and passions can provide a lifeline for building self-esteem and can open new social avenues as well. Jamie Oliver is just one of scores of dyslexics who was fortunate to discover his passion for cooking while working weekends with his father as a young adult. Experiences like these can anchor a child’s sense of confidence, offering proof that their abilities extend far beyond traditional academic measures.
Cultivate their independence
Regardless of their age, your child’s natural path to autonomy is likely to be interrupted by the extra academic help they require. Although you might find it goes against your protective instincts at first, give your child extra encouragement towards independence, both socially and academically. Begin with small steps and build from there gradually, such as developing your child’s time-management skills (with calendar planners and lists) and slowly weaning them from parental supervision with their homework by encouraging them to adopt online tools. For instance, by using narrated audio textbooks (eg, such as those provided by Learning Ally); using a chatbot to test themselves after feeding it relevant study material; or by using apps like Quizlet to make flash cards.
Promoting independence may come to the fore before the end of middle school (around age 14). Although you might need to continue approaching educators about the special accommodations your child is legally entitled to (such as extra time on tests), depending on their maturity, you will want to gently guide them toward self-advocacy. You may need to role-play with them how to approach an adult, empowering them to see how capable they are of taking ownership of their own needs. The beauty of doing this in their early to mid-teens is that you can always contact their teacher privately to be sure that the message was conveyed appropriately – something you’ll want to avoid once they are further along in school.
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