The Idealization Phase
In the idealization (or love-bombing phase) the narcissist will look deep in your eyes with the most euphoric bewilderment that someone so incredible even exists… they are god-smacked by your mere presence (or at least appear to be, as we now know this was all a manufactured presentation to hook you), and from this seemingly awe-stricken place, with the light of all the stars in their eyes, they will say things like the following…
“You are the most beautiful girl/handsome guy I have ever seen”
“You are so amazing; I wish there were more people like you in the world”
“I want to be open with you like I’ve never wanted to be open with anyone else before”
“I knew I wanted to be with you from the first time I laid eyes on you”
“I feel so lucky that you are giving me your time”
“I just want to better myself every day to be the best for you and for the life we are building”
“No one could ever compare to you”
“I’m so afraid to lose you”
They’ll tell you how they talk with their closest family and friends about you, as someone “different” or more special than anyone they’ve ever met.
Assuming it’s a guy, he may often call you by your full name followed by his last name to condition you to start seeing yourself as their spouse.
They will cast so many visions for your dream future together, what your plans are, having kids, moving in together, living happily ever after with every other fallacy they’ve from you about your deepest desires and values from the beginning of studying you to mirror it all back and reflect your “soul mate” as a result.
And the list goes on… I could go on, but you get the picture.
The Devaluation Phase
When limerence becomes the past, their mask begins to peel. The narcissist will start making snide and sarcastic comments, talking down to you with arrogance with claims they know far more than you.
Gaslighting will become more prevalent while they bear contempt for all the things they once “cherished” about you. And when met with any shred of an attack (even if it’s objectively not), they will shut down when told to be accountable and try to stonewall you. In response, they will assume the role of the victim by calling you selfish for pursuing them in the first place. All the blame and mayhem caused in the relationship would be appointed to you, despite their role in creating the situation. Because after all, they are the victim here.
All this as you absolutely BLEED to engage their loving open presence and reconnect to get back “home” to the “beautiful” connection you really have together, but underneath it all….
The circus has no end, it’s just the perpetual madness that ensues from one rational, loving person exhausting themselves to another who’s irrational because they believe the [forced] love is real, and they’ll do anything to “work” through the challenges. Or so they claim. The former never realize that their partner is getting their fix off of these tribulations staying unresolved, like a damned pharmaceutical company that never wants to sell a cure because they would lose their customers.
Meanwhile, you stay and take all of it, thinking that your partner is merely struggling with their own intimacy issues as so many people do. And because you already love them, you are going to be the bigger person here. Making the decision to not only understand, but support them through thick and thin with all their internal turmoil instead of strutting out the door, because that’s not what people who love you do, right?
They don’t throw something out just because it’s chipped, they try to fix it, or love it as it is.
During this phase, with disapproval and judgment in their eyes, they will start saying things like the following or some variation…
“You don’t know what you’re talking about”
“You think you’re better than everybody else”
“You think you know everything”
“It’s always your way or the highway”
“You think I’m stupid”
“You don’t trust me”
“I had a dream I was with another girl last night”
I saw you looking at that guy with my own eyes
You are the reason things aren’t okay (or better) in life, at work, in the sac, in our families, etc…
You are a troublemaker, no one can help you because you’re too fucked up
I could go on and on…
The Discard Phase
At this stage, you’re being thrown in the trash, disgusted as ever and violently offended that something so vile would be anywhere near them for any reason.
“I’m not in love with you anymore”
“I don’t see us being together for life”
“I don’t want to be here”
“I’m not attracted to you”
“You didn’t do anything for me”
“I don’t feel the same way about you anymore because of the damage you’ve caused”
“You had it coming”
“You think you’re so special, but you’re not”
“I’m never going to regret leaving you, I can’t wait to get out of here”
They’ll take EVERYTHING they ever learned about your intimate life, fears, desires, and past and find ways to make inaccurate, yet extremely hurtful comments about them in relation to you.
Let’s not forget the things they tell others… SMEAR CAMPAIGN
This was their agenda, and now it’s their prize. In their sick minds, they got bigger, stronger, better, and more desirable… because they reduced you to nothing.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there.
The Hoovering Phase
The narc who supposedly couldn’t get away from you fast enough or block you on all socials and from their phone because they “never want to see or hear from you again” Or so they say…but will find any ol’ reason to “get in touch with you” about something that really needs your attention and requires your response. Don’t fall for their manipulative charades.
Whatever they know about you, keep in mind they will leverage it while simultaneously keeping tabs on you through social media. They will present their communication with you as if they’re doing YOU a favor, making you the piece of sh*t if you didn’t appreciate it, and respond with gratitude.
Remember, you need to show them how important they are, or you are the scum of the earth. As mentioned before, this is now their stage, and the main character is the world’s biggest victim.
The hoovering attempts are very specific to your history with them so I’m not going to claim there are blanket phrases during this phase. To put it simply, it’s just further, unprovoked manipulation, gaslighting, and supply-seeking for as long as you allow it.
The only way to address this is to go absolutely radio silence. The only viable reason you can’t long-term is if you have young kids together, then proceed with as much minimal contact as possible.
I hope this helps put things in perspective for you and supports you in your healing journey after being the unsuspecting victim of a soul-sucking monster.